Childbirth Is a Miracle; So Quit Complaining About the Pain!
Posted: Thursday, October 29, 2009
by Ben Jones
Too-Write!
We all know pain is relative, like when your in-laws come to stay. You just need to find the right coping mechanisms. In my case I drink a lot and make myself as absent as possible. I know; I'm a trooper.
Back to the topic at hand.
I recently experienced the wonder of childbirth, again. I'm now a very proud father of two boys. Technically my wife has two as well; I'm just not sure if they're the same kids as mine. Hers are well behaved, angelic and cute. Mine, well let me put it this way...
Whenever my kids turn up they're accompanied by my wife's accusations: "Your child has broken another toy, a window and both his arms." Or, "He's your boy, you have to tell him off for painting the walls with spaghetti sauce", I guess you get the idea.
So how did I become the sheriff of this spaghetti western?
I should start at the very beginning, but since I'm a guy with a short attention span, I'll skip the boring romantic stuff and jump straight to the gory, bloody combat action of childbirth and what popped out the other end to change my life forever.
A screaming, crying, slimy mess that had no natural right fitting through such a narrow opening. I'm really not sure how it managed to fit inside my wife's belly, but how it got out is what really scarred me. If you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing the wonders of childbirth, then what follows might give you a better understanding of this delicate and miraculous process.
By now you're no doubt getting a tiny inkling of the tremendous pain I was in watching my wife give birth.
Of course the really unfair part about it all is that your wife gets to experience the wonder and joy of being pregnant, feeling a life move inside her belly, she gets to give birth and breast feed, something we men will never be able to do.
To rub salt into the wound, all of these things allow her to bond with the child in a way that you will never ever be able to replicate or experience. Sure she goes through a little pain to get there, but almost as soon as the birthing process ends, she has a seemingly complete cessation of pain and experiences a moment of euphoria.
As is typical with "mother" nature, the man gets the short end of the stick. His pain will grow and live on for a very long time.
The man must live with the vivid and mentally scaring images of childbirth for the rest of his life, hear the torturous screams replaying in his nightmares and be haunted by his complete inability and failure during childbirth to shut the annoying noise off.
Perhaps worst of all, he'll likely have to appear sympathetic to his wife's little aches and pains for weeks on end, all while surreptitiously icing his throbbing and incredibly bruised hand which she callously injured with her vicious and cruel vulture-like grip.
I think it's pretty clear who the real heroes of childbirth are.
Despite all the inequities, the ongoing pain and all the hardships that men endure, there are some upsides. You can smoke a cigar after the birth if you want, you get to send out a bragging text message to everyone about how brave you were during the ordeal and you get to be a dad.
That last part is actually pretty great.
Eventually the mental scars will start to heal, the pain will ease and you'll be left with a snotty nosed upstart that takes your comfy chair and snatches up the remote before your tired old bones can settle into the uncomfortable second choice that is the "mother's chair".
So, while I do freely admit that men are the real victims and heroes of the birthing process, I nonetheless urge other men to take my outstanding and remarkable example and suck it up!
Do your best to enjoy the miracle of birth.
Let's face it, there's no point complaining about how the doctors and nurses give all their attention to the woman, or the fact that we're now expected to be present for the birth, there's not even any point complaining about the terrible damage inflicted upon our hands by our so called loved ones.
When it boils down to it, women just aren't very sympathetic creatures. It's not the way they were made.
Back to the topic at hand.
I recently experienced the wonder of childbirth, again. I'm now a very proud father of two boys. Technically my wife has two as well; I'm just not sure if they're the same kids as mine. Hers are well behaved, angelic and cute. Mine, well let me put it this way...
So how did I become the sheriff of this spaghetti western?
I should start at the very beginning, but since I'm a guy with a short attention span, I'll skip the boring romantic stuff and jump straight to the gory, bloody combat action of childbirth and what popped out the other end to change my life forever.
A screaming, crying, slimy mess that had no natural right fitting through such a narrow opening. I'm really not sure how it managed to fit inside my wife's belly, but how it got out is what really scarred me. If you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing the wonders of childbirth, then what follows might give you a better understanding of this delicate and miraculous process.
Step 1:
Extend your left hand and put your thumb and finger together to form a circle. Got it? Great, you're doing really well. Take some deep breaths and if you can, try and relax.
Step 2:
Raise a sledgehammer above your head and bring it crashing down on your hand. Painful? Perfect. Repeat multiple times as required. When your hand feels like you've dipped it in molten lava and yet you can still feel every single broken bone in each finger, move on to step 3.
Step 3:
Take the mangled, throbbing and bleeding remains of your left hand and while still making that tiny, delicate circle from step 1, try to squeeze an overgrown watermelon through what's left of the opening.
Hey, no cheating; you have to try and keep your finger and thumb together at all times to allow your previously beautiful skin to stretch far, far, far beyond its natural elasticity.
If you're doing it right, your hand should start turning inside out. This helps accommodate the adorable girth of the infant's melon just starting to peak through the gap. Remember to relax, it's just nature doing its thing.
Let it happen. Breath. Smile. Enjoy.
Step 4:
Return to Step 2 and repeat for eight to ten hours.
By now you're no doubt getting a tiny inkling of the tremendous pain I was in watching my wife give birth.
Of course the really unfair part about it all is that your wife gets to experience the wonder and joy of being pregnant, feeling a life move inside her belly, she gets to give birth and breast feed, something we men will never be able to do.
To rub salt into the wound, all of these things allow her to bond with the child in a way that you will never ever be able to replicate or experience. Sure she goes through a little pain to get there, but almost as soon as the birthing process ends, she has a seemingly complete cessation of pain and experiences a moment of euphoria.
As is typical with "mother" nature, the man gets the short end of the stick. His pain will grow and live on for a very long time.
The man must live with the vivid and mentally scaring images of childbirth for the rest of his life, hear the torturous screams replaying in his nightmares and be haunted by his complete inability and failure during childbirth to shut the annoying noise off.
Perhaps worst of all, he'll likely have to appear sympathetic to his wife's little aches and pains for weeks on end, all while surreptitiously icing his throbbing and incredibly bruised hand which she callously injured with her vicious and cruel vulture-like grip.
I think it's pretty clear who the real heroes of childbirth are.
Despite all the inequities, the ongoing pain and all the hardships that men endure, there are some upsides. You can smoke a cigar after the birth if you want, you get to send out a bragging text message to everyone about how brave you were during the ordeal and you get to be a dad.
That last part is actually pretty great.
Eventually the mental scars will start to heal, the pain will ease and you'll be left with a snotty nosed upstart that takes your comfy chair and snatches up the remote before your tired old bones can settle into the uncomfortable second choice that is the "mother's chair".
So, while I do freely admit that men are the real victims and heroes of the birthing process, I nonetheless urge other men to take my outstanding and remarkable example and suck it up!
Do your best to enjoy the miracle of birth.
Let's face it, there's no point complaining about how the doctors and nurses give all their attention to the woman, or the fact that we're now expected to be present for the birth, there's not even any point complaining about the terrible damage inflicted upon our hands by our so called loved ones.
When it boils down to it, women just aren't very sympathetic creatures. It's not the way they were made.
This Article has been viewed 2,189 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsWell as a woman, I can almost agree with many things you have mentioned. We just don't always have the ability to place ourselves in your shoes. As tough as it is to be a man these day's, I would say that I don't believe many men would go through the pain of actually having a child. I think that you would invent some medication or procedure/technology that allowed you to bypass what we go through. We do appreciate you being there for us and YES we expect it.P.S. I never once cussed or caused blood to stop flowing with my hand squeeze :-). thanks for the article.Hi Marisa, thanks for the comment on my article.Sounds like your husband was one of the lucky ones; he still had the use of his hand after childbirth which allowed him to help out more around the house and with the kids (hmmm, now I see your evil plan).
Ben, after reading your opening paragraph, I knew you were a genius! Thanks for sharing such good information, I had to mark it as a favorite (smile).Hi Ronyae, thanks for commenting on my article and for marking it as a favorite. Now we can inflict it on a lot more people. :)
You are one brave man Ben Jones running with a title like that. It sure got my interest. I had to join your fan club. Anyone who can make me laugh like this, especially about the pain of childbirth, is well worth reading again and again. Way to go.I too thought I was brave and clever when I posted this article. Now that my wife has seen it I cower in abject stupidity.
Hi Ben,As a mom to four boys I am sitting here smiling ear to ear! And the spaghetti wars??! Oh, it gets better! When will the boys be driving? :)Four boys??? You should start a demolition company, you'd make a fortune!Happy to say they'll not be driving for many years yet. Unless of course you're talking about driving parents to distraction; a skill all children master early. :)
Drugs, man! Drugs!! That's what they're for!!!My husband made me get an epidural (all 3 times). He said he was afraid I would get mean if I didn't... who me???Jean, I can't fault your logic, watching my wife go through child birth made me want to take drugs as well. :)
Very funny and very enjoyable read Ben. I have heard from men friends what they went through every time their wives gave birth to a child. Now I know why they are misty-eyed (and looking at their hands) when they re-lived the experience. When your children say, "Dad you are my hero." I hope that will make up for everything you have gone through. Thanks for sharing and congratulations.Best to you and yours,NenitaHi Nenita, thanks for commenting on my article. Glad I was able to shed some light on the woes of your male friends. They don't expect sympathy or reward, but chocolates are always a nice surprise. :)
Great article, Ben. Having witnessed hundreds of births I say that childbirth is a biological event. Being a mom is the miracle!!God bless you and you little one. They are precious!Hi Ken,Thanks for your comment and well wishes.Cheers,Ben.
Very good. I agree completely but I have some doubts as to whether my wife would agree.Hi Jim,Thanks for your comment. The trick is not to show your wife this article; if you already did, then I take no responsibility for the blood letting.Good luck,Ben.
Thanks for writing this Ben. I just have one question. When your wife finds out, where do I send the funeral flowers?Hi Dwight thanks for commenting. You'll probably need to send more than one bunch, I have a feeling I may end up in multiple places...
Wow. Not only is this helpful and illuminating, not only will it settle forever the eternal Battle of the Sexes (ATTENTION FEMINISM: you are no longer needed here), but it also demonstrates beautifully the correct use of the apostrophe.I salute you, hero's!Thank you for the punctual punctuation that veritably punctuated the air during your drive-by apostraphe-ing!
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