Ben Jones

How to Impress Your Woman By Cooking: The Blokes Lightly Curried Spaghetti...



Posted: Monday, October 22, 2007

by
Too-Write!


As a member of the blokes club, dare I say a dangler, the chances are if you're not a fully qualified chef de cuisine with a fully loaded knife belt (that would make Batman jealous), two apprentices to wash your carrots and scrub your potatoes (so to speak) and of course thirteen secret ingredients (some of which may be herbs and spices), then you probably can't cook to save your life. I know I can't, but I've learnt a very special secret that lets me pass off wonderful dishes as my own and receive all the credit and praise so deservedly owing to us menfolk...
 
This secret is currently known by almost all women, yes it's a conspiracy of the highest magnitude!
 
So does it amaze you that your wife, girlfriend or (if you're still living at home, are balding, plump and over 45) mother can whip up a fabulous banquet in no time at all with nothing more than limp celery, some over due yoghurt, a pound of cheese and three mouldy beans?
 
It's not magic, well maybe those beans are magic and since your significant other is fond of the broom and loves to cackle, hmmm, could it be she's a witch after all? Don't jump to obvious conclusions just yet. Instead let me tell you how to use some of this incredible trickery yourself to create a fantastic unrivaled gastronomical delight. Not only that, you'll cook it inside 15 mins, with very little effort and it's guaranteed to turn out great (note: great is defined as at least edible by the dog). But seriously, it'll be great!
 
The real key to success is following directions. I know, we're blokes, it goes against the grain, it's wrong, unnatural, unholy, down right dirty and questions our very manhood, agreed. So don't let anyone see you doing it, pretend your making it up as you go along and claim all the credit at the end. And if you actually get caught in the act, refer to it as a user guide. Can do?
 
The following user guide, is dead easy to follow, creates a great tasting meal that will win you considerable praise and has instructions that are completely bloke-proof. Having said that, if you do give it a go and run into any problems then just post them here and we'll try and refine the user guide for everyone else, after all I didn't say it was idiot-proof.
 
So let's get to the meat and potatoes of this user guide:

The Blokes Lightly Curried Spaghetti (serves 2 to 3 people: depends how fat they are)
Ingredients:



  • 1 x Onion
  • 2 Full Strength Beers (Minimum) 
  • 6 x Small to medium sized mushrooms
  • ½ Capsicum (red or green pepper)
  • 500 grams Mince (beef works well)
  • 1 x clove garlic (fresh garlic has more flavour)
  • 3 x tbls Tomato Paste
  • 1 x tbls Vindaloo or other Curry Paste
  • Pasta 400 grams (thin spaghetti = 1x thumbwidth of spaghetti per person)
  • Spices: Salt, Black Pepper, Oregano, Parsley (a pinch of each)


Instructions:

First things first, get your top off (I meant the beer!!!) and let's get started. Chop the onion and place in a preheated pan (lets call it the meat pan) on medium with a small amount of oil to lightly fry for around 2 to 3 minutes. Add in meat and allow to brown then add in the crushed garlic and stir in the tomato paste then half a cup of water turning the heat up a little to medium high. Repeatedly sip your beer during this process.

Heat water in a pot (lets call it the "pasta pot of power") to boiling and add your pasta (check the cooking time on the packet, generally from 7 to 15 mins), set your alarm accordingly stirring occasionally to keep it separated. Take a good swig of your beer and nod head knowingly. Scratch butt if you must, but try not to use the stirring spoon for this particular process!

The water should easily cover the pasta when you start cooking or it might boil down into what is sure to become a legendary mess.
When the pasta pot of power is around half way through cooking, reduce the heat to the meat pan to just under medium and stir in around 1 to 2 tablespoons of vindaloo paste (depending upon the flavour intensity you prefer, it is meant to be a subtle flavour, not to overpower the dish). Add the diced capsicum/peppers and sliced mushrooms, your other spices and allow to cook for another 3 to 5 mins. Finish remaining beer and open the next one just in time to have with dinner.

Drain the pasta and serve with your "Blokes Lightly Curried Spaghetti" to the adulation, wonder and approval of all. Who knows, you'll probably get lucky (note: I offer no guarantees about getting lucky, especially if you leave a mess in the kitchen or scratched your butt with the spoon!).

And that concludes this short user manual for cooking "The Blokes Lightly Curried Spaghetti" which is certain to impress your woman and allow you to drink beer in peace!
 
Ben Jones is an award winning writer from Australia. Passion and intrigue flow from Ben's pen like the intoxicating wine which drips from an alcoholic’s nose. Ben's virility is unquestioned; his talents obey no speed signs; he is the model of a modern major general. When Ben writes: time stops, women swoon, men envy, children applaud loudly and with gusto and pigs fly.
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